How you all doing? I recently was diagnosed with OCD, but I have suffered most of my life... It started in 6th grade, I was completely scared of germs and was washing my hands all the time.. checking plates and glasses for dirt before I ate or drank. Thankfully that episode subsided (I think it was when i saw Outbreak in the movie theater). Then my freshman year of college had a fear that I had AIDS (until I got tested)... I believe even during the none intense times it still effected me, counting, having to get somethings done a certain way or disaster...coin flipping to make discussions, etc. But recently it has been its worse which made me go out a seek help.
My 2 main fears that consume most of my day.. although have been getting better, is that 1. That I have some mental illness like schizophrenia and 2. fear of sharp objects and either hurting myself or some one else. Its been pretty painful. I never have had these fears before. I've discussed these things with multiple therapists, and specialists and they all assured my that I'm not schizophrenic... but that reassurance lasts maybe only for a few hours. Its weird my brain constantly searches for symptoms, and wonder if I display any of them, than I try and find anything I have ever done or remembered doing that makes a connection, or I make connections with things that aren't symptoms but they still give me anxiety like if I have a headache...that must mean I'm schizophrenic. I started taking a anti-depressant, and will begin therapy with a specialist at the end of the month. Does anyone else has these fears? Any coping methods.. I'm getting better at controlling them, but its been a exhausting few months. My friends and family are very supportive so I'm confident I'll get through this. Thanks for Reading!
My 2 main fears that consume most of my day.. although have been getting better, is that 1. That I have some mental illness like schizophrenia and 2. fear of sharp objects and either hurting myself or some one else. Its been pretty painful. I never have had these fears before. I've discussed these things with multiple therapists, and specialists and they all assured my that I'm not schizophrenic... but that reassurance lasts maybe only for a few hours. Its weird my brain constantly searches for symptoms, and wonder if I display any of them, than I try and find anything I have ever done or remembered doing that makes a connection, or I make connections with things that aren't symptoms but they still give me anxiety like if I have a headache...that must mean I'm schizophrenic. I started taking a anti-depressant, and will begin therapy with a specialist at the end of the month. Does anyone else has these fears? Any coping methods.. I'm getting better at controlling them, but its been a exhausting few months. My friends and family are very supportive so I'm confident I'll get through this. Thanks for Reading!
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 8, 2007 - 8:21 PM1. You are not schizophrenic. You have an obsessive fear of being schizophrenic.
I know what that's like. I constantly doubt my salvation. No matter how often I am told by those in authority.
2. Fear of hurting others, unwanted violent thoughts, are totally normal for OCD. Sometimes if I was holding a knife, like when cutting a steak or something, I'd worry I was going to stab my husband with it.
There's also the fear that you might have hurt others, and not realized it. Or that maybe that blanket on the side of the highway actually has a discarded baby under it, and if you don't do something about it, you're letting a baby die. Then there's also the fear of touching the blanket and getting some disease from it.
If I've had time to drive by the blanket a 2nd time, I would, to give it another close drive-by look to see if I could tell if there might be something under it. And even if I convinced myself that it was too close to the ground to have something under it, I'd then wonder, after I drove by it, if I'd really looked at it hard enough.
One time I gave in and called the police once I got to work, so they could check it out.
Anyway, you're not alone.
Meds help alot. They give you a break from the OCD thoughts, and also help you to see what it's like to think "normally". Then, if/when you go off the meds, and you have an OCD thought, you can see it for what it is.
Books and therapy also help alot.
Hang in there. You are not alone, and you are among friends. :)
Oh... I think you mean coin flipping to make "decisions", not "discussions", LOL! And yeah, I can't decide anything, especially when it comes to dinner, when I'm not jonesing for some specific food. -
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Re: Hello
Thu, August 9, 2007 - 7:19 PMI didn't even realize that the irrational fear that you may hurt someone you care about with a sharp object was an OCD thing. I didn't know it was an ANYthing thing. I've never admitted it before, because I've been afraid it would be taken as a serious danger. But I've had those terrors most of my life. It does seem to be especially when I'm using a sharp object: a knife, or scissors, or clippers. And, yeah, it's always this terrible fear that it will just happen, and always to the LAST person I would want to hurt. It hs always happened especially with beloved pets who are so completely trusting and dependent on me. It's never a fear that I will WANT to hurt them, only that it will somehow happen. I guess it's something like my orrational fear, whenever I drive across long bridges over water, that somehow, of its own accord, my car is going to swerve and jump the guard rail and plunge into the water and we'll all be drowned. Now, OBVIOUSLY that isn't something I would intend to happen, and it's exactly the same with the sharp objects thing. Still, I've never told anyone for fear they'll rhink I'm dangerous.
Oh, and, for what it's worth, I keep making my shrink tell me again that I'm not schizophrenic and how he can tell. -
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Re: Hello
Thu, August 9, 2007 - 8:43 PMOh, yeah. Fear of hurting others is totally an OCD thing.
Ain't OCD lovely?
And yeah, just today, I was driving past some guy on a bicycle, him in the bike lane, me in the car lane. I felt myself grip the steering wheel more possessively, to keep myself (or any supernatural force) from making it jerk to the right and hit the guy.
Stupid, but there it is.
Anyway, Survivor, you're totally normal, LOL! But yeah, that is a hard fear to tell other people who might misinterpret it. Your psychiatrist will totally tell you it's a normal OCD thing. -
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Re: Hello
Thu, August 9, 2007 - 11:33 PMI was enligtened by my therapist who gave me sound advice about my obsessive negative thoughts. That I am keeping myself traumatized. If I let this shit go, then I'll have room to heal instead of continuing in this cycle of depression and violent thoughts. It is working. Meditation is helping me center and move away from negative/violent thoughts. -
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 12:59 AMI don't do the meditation thing, but I do try to be more self-aware of what I'm thinking.
It helps as then I can identify when a thought is an OCD repeating negative thought.
Like, another bad pattern I'd get into was having blasphemous thoughts. Saying F*ck Jesus in my head, etc. Then I'd have to say/think, "I'm sorry, Lord, I didn't mean it, please forgive me..." Happened alot more when I was a teenager. I'd often both pray an apology, and also try to punish myself for the thought, by hitting myself as hard as I could on top of my thigh.
One of the ironic things about trying NOT to think about something is that you have to think about what you're trying not to think about. I.E., you can't keep telling yourself "I will not think about yellow cars" w/o thinking about the yellow cars. Because the order not to think about them includes what you must not think about, LOL! I.E., instead of trying not to think about yellow cars, it's better to TRY to think about blue cars.
I can't remember where I read that, but the combination of recognizing that the repeating blasphemous thoughts were OCD, and that by trying not to have them, I was causing them to happen more, it made me realize I needed to ignore them and think about something else. Whereupon they lost all power.
We do tend to give things power over us. Kindof like if you believe something has power over you, it automatically does. Period. Because you've handed it that power.
Whoa... I think I got on an OCD soapbox here, LOL! :)
But yeah, what you said, Laura. We need to "let this shit go". That's exactly it. -
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 10:21 AMHey, Snoopy!!
In my dreams, the blasphemy was saying G#@ dammit. And then I'd be horrified and wish that I could take it back, but knew it was too late, because it was already out. Kinda wierd, huh?
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 7:33 AMHey everyone Thanks for responding... The violent thoughts really started to scare me, so they were the hardest to admit. I thought as soon as I started telling my therapist about them guys were gonna come, throw a stray jacket on me and ship me away. Once I started feeling comfortable with talking about them they got less severe. I started to notice again recently what its like not to have these obsessive thoughts in your head. I feel great, confident, relaxed.... I guess thats a sign that the only thing wrong with me is that I'm obsessive... any little thing that bothers or scares me becomes a thought that I just can't shake. I met with a OCD specialist recently, he recommended that when a scary thought comes into your mind, give it a "Fuck you type attitude" like who cares, maybe I am schizophrenic. It has sorta worked for me I think, I need to perfect the technique, but what i think he is going after is that if you either not care or say maybe I do have this or maybe i will do that.. whatever, the fear gets taken away.
I've been on schizophrenic kick again recently, I made the mistake of going online and reading the symptoms. So now if i see something that I know is really there, I wonder "Am I just seeing that, oh my god I'm hallucinating" , if i see something that looks like something like in the clouds or whatever , and even im like really tired and half asleep in and out of dreaming(like early in the morning laying in bed) same deal. It can be frustrating, but its only frustrating when i think about... I basically took every symptom and my brain thought about everyone and tried to make some connection or forced a connection, if i can not find one I will just keep thinking until I'm completely exhausted.
Again thanks for reading! -
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 8:27 PMI think OCD is one of those things that's really hard to admit, because of those violent thoughts some people can get. And also because we obsess that we actually have X or Y or Z, and fear the white coats are going to take us away, LOL. :) I.E., until we realize it's really OCD that's been the monkey on our back, and not something else possibly more horrific (re: X, Y or Z), it's hard to admit that there's something wrong with us to a psychiatrist.
When you're living in fear of killing your friends and family, or losing it and throwing stuff all around the room and destroying stuff, it's hard to go get help, even for the other milder fears/worries of getting sick or leaving the oven on, etc.
Anyway, Jeffrey, hang in there. You're a normal OCD sufferer. :) -
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 10, 2007 - 8:28 PMWait, I think all I did was just restate your post, Jeffrey! LOL... oh, well. :) -
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Re: Hello
Thu, August 16, 2007 - 9:27 PMJeffrey, I forgot...
I wasn't well socialized growing up. We moved alot, and I was a sick little kid. And now I kinda wonder if my OCD was coupled with a little bit of functional autism... maybe aspergers. I seemed to not quite understand how to respond during various social situations. Often it felt like I wasn't really empathic to other's feelings. Eventually I got it, but it almost feels like I had to TEACH myself how to act around people, how to be empathic to what they were going through.
I'm not 100% certain I might have a touch of aspergers/autism. But it sorta makes some things make sense.
But while I was in the middle of trying to feel the right things, to understand social situations, I felt like I was going through the motions, just mimicking what other people did. And for a while there, I began to worry if I was a sociopath.
Add the violent thoughts to the mix, and I wondered if I was someone dangerous!
Anyway, I had totally forgotten that... but something made me think about it today, and thought it might make you feel better about being afraid of being schizophrenic. I.E., you're not alone. :)
You know, I heard somewhere that the people LEAST likely to ever lose control and be violent are people with OCD who are terrified they are going to do something horrifically violent. I don't remember where I heard it, but anyway, thought that also might make you feel better. :)
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 17, 2007 - 9:13 AMHi, Jeffrey,
Is there a specific reason that you know of for why you fear that you may be schizophrenic? I mean, was there a specific reason why THAT illness was chosen over another?
For me, it's two things: my bastard of a father had a primary diagnosis of schizophrenia. That's really the main thing for me--how awful it would be to be like the one person I come closest to hating. The other reason is simply that I fear a diagnosis which would put me over the line of psychotic, and thus, insane.
I really do know that I'm not insane--that is if you're working definition is the ability to tell fact from fantasy. I have a lot of really bizarre conditions that make my various realities, um, a little different than some people's. But, I DO know what is real and what is not. So, I guess that means I'm kind of okay!
Is your fear that you actually ARE schizophrenic and your doc isn't telling you? Or is it clearly in the realm of obssession, with thoughts that such and such a thing could be true about you and that you just don't know it because you're schizophrenic? Did that make any sense? I guess really I'm asking if the fear is based on something tangible, or only on the fear itself? I think that if there are no actual, physical reasons on which your fear is based, that this is probably another good opportunity to look that fear in the eye and say "Fuck you. You don't really exist, so, do what you want, it can't matter." -
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Re: Hello
Fri, August 17, 2007 - 9:16 AMOh, and, something else I forgot to say. If you do have some fears based in reason for worrying about schizophrenia, I hope you bring those up openly with your doc so that you can lay them to rest. From what you've written here, I would be VERY much surprised if you were schizophrenic, but that doesn't mean you don't need the reassurance on that score!! -
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Re: Hello
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 10:35 AMHi, thanks for the input. It really is the fear that I'm schizophrenic. To me it's the worst of the mental illnesses, maybe thats why I think I have it. For instance I've gotten to the point where I see or hear something and don't know whether its real or not even though it is, or if I see something in the corner of my eye or mistake something for something else, I think oh my god I'm seeing things and I'm hearing things...I'm a schizophrenic. And the only time I've noticed these things is since I started reading about schizophrenia... Now that I know the symptoms my brain is tricking me. I also can be very sensitive about being accepted, I think that generally comes with anxiety disorders. I ran into situations when I was younger when I wasn't always accepted by others, so that built a complex that something was wrong with me and i constantly look for explanations. Also when I don't think about my obsessions I feel great and nothing bothers me, but once my mind starts to trail or I start getting sleepy (I don't know if anyone else notices when they get tired, they worry), I start to worry. So I guess my point is if I have these moments of feeling great and comfortable could I really be schizophrenic? I'm usually comfortable in public places as well, unless my anxiety is extremely high, I can talk to strangers and engage in conversation...although my ADHD can be pretty bad sometimes. I just don't know anymore its very confusing, every therapist I've seen has told me"You're not schizophrenic" but it doesn't matter i still worry about it. -
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Re: Hello
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 10:41 AMAlso I can tell fact from fantasy. I often doubt whether I can, even though I know I can...Does that make sense?.But I often think Of crazy scenarios even though I know they aren't real I still think of them.
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Re: Hello
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 11:06 AMAlso would I be aware that there is something wrong with me if I was schizophrenic? I know the way I think is not realistic, constantly worrying scared of my thoughts, etc. Doesn't that mean I'm in touch with reality? I show so many signs of OCD but my mind keeps obsessing on schizophrenia, could I be both? haha Man I hate the way I think. -
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Re: Hello
Tue, August 21, 2007 - 10:13 PMI think it's ALL OCD. But I'm not going to be able to convince you of that, LOL! :) And I know that. Eventually you will probably be able to let go of the schizophrenia obsession. I've had a few obsessions that I was finally able to drop.
Hey, I've had situations where someone told me I'd done something I didn't do, because they knew my ability to doubt what I'd seen/heard/done was high enough, and I literally had to think through it until I realized I really hadn't done it! They had me going for several minutes. And I was a teenager, and it was about something that had just happened... or not happened, in this case. So it wasn't like I was drunk at the time or something...
OCD can make you doubt your memories of what you've done and haven't done. This should NOT to be confused with having a poor grasp of reality. It's just another lovely facet of OCD. -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 9:19 AMOh, ma-an, Snoopy! I'm going to be very un-Christian and say that I really hope that whoever did that to you (messed with your head about something you didn't do) REALLY gets what's coming to them!!
And, Jeffrey, about reading over symptoms and finding that almost all seem to apply to you--yeah; THAT'S an OCD thing, too! : ) -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 7:50 PMUhm, she was a childhood friend, and didn't know I had OCD. Shoot, I didn't know I had OCD until I was in my late 20's, and didn't have it confirmed until my early 30's.
She did know I was very gullible, though, LOL!
But she wasn't trying to make me think I'd done something really horrible or something. I can't remember what it was, but it was pretty minor.
I'm afraid she'd already gotten more than what was coming to her. She'd gone through her parents getting divorced. She was living with her Dad and her Step-Mom, who was a wonderful lady. Or Step-Dad and real Mom... can't remember. Both were good people, though. She was kindof a handful... and wasn't into their religious upbringing of her. She moved to Texas to live with relatives, and ended up in a relationship with some much older person... back when she was in high school.
I don't know what's happened to her, but I honestly hope she's doing ok.
I've had WAY crueler things done to me, by people who MEANT to hurt me. She was not trying to hurt me, nor was she trying to be cruel. It was just a practical joke.
But, I do appreciate the sentiment, Survivor. :) Thank you for feeling protective of me. :) -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 8:30 PMI'm glad to hear that you feel okay with my protectiveness toward you, Snoops, cuz you're stuck with it either way! ; ) I'm also glad that you clarified the situation. Now I can feel much kinder toward your friend. Not that it makes any difference to her; but it does to me! -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 8:46 PM:) I feel protective of you too, Survivor. :)
Basically, anyone hurts my friends or my family had better watch out. I may be a beagle on the outside, but I'm a ferocious badger on the inside when it comes to my friends/family getting hurt.
Heh. And I can shoot, have 2 German Shepherds, even a machete (you can read my blog <a href="POST</a>" title="sithsnoopy.blogspot.com/2007/0...</a>">sithsnoopy.blogspot.com/2007/0...</a> for the explanation on that one, LOL!), and if I weren't 6 months preggers, I can also do a pretty good side-kick, LOL! :)
Right now, I could basically just fall on someone and keep them from moving indefinitely. ;)
And yeah, I didn't want you to resent a complete stranger because you thought she'd done something super horrible to me when in fact what she did was just a small practical joke. :) -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 8:47 PMWell, the link to my machete blog post looks all weird, but at least it actually works, LOL! -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 9:01 PMThanks, Snoopy! And, um, I HAVE to ask. Are you waddling yet? I ask because, with my first pregnancy, as I started showing more and more, people would lovingly tease me about when I would start waddling. (I had a very graceful slenderness when I got pregnant, so watching my transformation was pretty major!) I remember insisting that I WAS NOT going to waddle! It meant nothing to me that all pregnant women waddle--I was NOT going to!
And, you know what? I waddled. -
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Re: Hello
Wed, August 22, 2007 - 9:21 PMI started the pregnancy short and fat.
I ironically haven't gained much weight... but the kid is gaining weight, so he's ok. I guess he's soaking up my fat, LOL!
So I started waddling a LONG time ago. :) One or 2 months ago.
Maybe 3 to 4 weeks ago I started having SI joint pain, kinda where the leg is attached to the hip. Feels like it's deep underneath my butt, LOL! Talked to my ObGyn, and she's suggested a pregnancy SI girdle. Hmph... already bookmarked that, gotta go ahead and place the order.
'Cause I can't really walk very far w/o ending up feeling like my joints are all rusty or something.
Anyway, yeah: waddling away, LOL!
And what's with the nipples turning into bullseyes, huh? I mean, like, way EARLY in the pregnancy. Like the kid needs to see them right now?
And what's with the kicking me in the bladder thing? He's already sitting right on top of it. Is this his way of letting me know he has my and my husband's sense of humor or something? ;)
Wait, was that all too much information? :)
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