OCD does not necessarily actually pertain to 'acts' as such. It can also be a purely mental phenomena, images reeling off in the minds eye that you are powerless to stop. In fact, it was only recently that I realised that I do have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Then again, I'm not so sure it is a 'disorder' as such, these things are just part of who I am and they don't particularly interfere with my life.

They say that talking to yourself, is the first sign of madness (so what's the second?), and I confess that there are times when I do this, sometimes the instinct is very strong, other times it is mild, and there are periods where I do not do it at all.

When I say that I 'talk to myself', it isn't that I am actually having a conversation with myself as such, which sounds absurd to me, but often, my mind will become so busy with things, that I find it necessary to verbalise, it's like mental overspill, as if I am talking to somebody who is in front of me, and I don't know why I do this, but it is something I have done all of my life as far as I can remember. I have learned of course not to do this out loud, I just mutter under my breath, it is a compulsion that I am powerless to stop at times, and often I don't realise that I am doing it until I've been wittering on for a while and I become lucid of what I'm doing and think, 'My God, what a nutcase!'.

The times at which I have the greatest urge to verbalise my 'busy-mindedness', is always when I am alone, I may be sat up late at night with no television or music on, very content to just witter off the surplus thoughts in my head. It can be a very relieving experience, in fact, it really does feel as satisfying as having a conversation with someone who is actually there, to get things off your chest, out of your head.

The shower or bath is another place that I can often have a strong urge to witter, I suppose like other people get the urge to sing. I can remember my sister once banging on the bathroom door, and shouting, 'Who are you talking to in there!?', obviously, I was just wittering away to nobody in particular, and this was her point. This was at a time when the urge was incredibly strong, and I must have been doing it a little too enthusiastically, and not being quiet enough. I was very embarrased, and I stayed in there a long time before I dared to come out, as I was so ashamed.

The number one time that I get the irresistable urge to witter, is if I am outside walking somewhere, but I have to be careful, especially at night, as it is easy to turn a corner and suddenly bump into someone, or catch sight of someone approaching that I hadn't acknowledged quick enough while busy with my busy mind, who has obviously seen me verbalising into thin air, and this of course is very embarrasing, if it's someone I find attractive, especially so. I don't know why, but there is something about the rhythmic motion of walking that lulls me into wittering.

I do actually wonder if this is indeed OCD, or whether I have a form of Tourette's Syndrome, then again, I suppose Tourette's could be thought of as OCD anyway.

Regarding being out walking, wittering isn't the only form of OCD I have. I want to point out that I have never told a living soul about these little madnesses of mine by the way, so I hope I'm not on my own.

When walking, and again, it's something about the rhythm that lulls me into it, I also have imagery and sounds that enter my head, they don't make me feel uncomfortable, in fact I find it very comforting actually, much like the wittering, but when you find out what the noises and imagery are you might wonder why I derive satisfaction from it.

I will have elaborate imagery of violence and murder, limbs being hacked off, blood-curdling screams, torture, roaring and growling, sexual imagery, I see knives and tortuous implements and imagine what awful things could be done with them, scenes from horror movies, sometimes I feel like screaming or making sexual grunts, puffs and pants, and moans of ecstacy, which I will sometimes do under my breath but I've never actually succumbed to doing it loudly. I cannot helped but get lulled into this state of mind when out walking, but sometimes the urge is stronger than others, and if I have the urge to witter on about something then the imagery takes a back seat. This is probably all sounding more dramatic than it actually is, it just part of me, and I can't help it.

I am also a lifelong nail-biter, which is also OCD, although because it is relatively common, people don't often think of it like that. I have always bitten my nails very short, I don't ever remember them being to the ends of my fingers. I don't have any cuticles because I bit them all off as a child so continously, that they never grew back. When I am really bad with my nails, and if I get frustrated because they have been bitten down as far as they'll go, sometimes I have to start on my toenails, which can be a bit of an awkward stretch, but the compulsion pushes you to do it at all costs. I do confess that I must chew up the nails into little pieces and swallow them, I know that is disgusting, but it's part of the compulsion. The idea of throwing bitten nails away is unthinkable, and if I do discard them, I will be unable to resist the compulsion to retrieve them to be eaten. I even have a crooked tooth, between my right front tooth and incisor, from having fingers pressed against it all my life on a daily basis while biting nails off, and so it is pushed back a little. The stuff that you use to paint on your nails to stop you biting them, never really worked for me, you just get used to the taste, or when you have the bits of nail all chewed up, you just suck the bitter flavour off them, and spit it out, and swallow the nails on a glob of saliva anyway.

This is the same if I ever have a scab or a graze, it must be picked off, and when it is, I know that this is disgusting, then it must be eaten. If I come to my senses and throw it away, I'll have to retrieve it.

I also bite off and chew bits of skin from the inside of my mouth, when I was younger I used to do this more intensively, so that it would be bleeding and sore, I'm not as bad with it now, although I've always done it.

There was a phase that I went through in childhood, where I had an obsession for reflective symmetry, for example, if I bit the nail on my right index finger in three bites, then the nail on the left index finger would have to be bitten off in three bites, in order to 'balance it out'. If for example, I went over, and required four bites, then the right nail would have to be bitten again, even if there was nothing left, and to do so would make it bleed, but then I would have ruined the symmetry of it all, which would be very frustrating. This carried out into many things. If the right side of my nose itched, and I gave it five scratches, I would have to scratch the same number of times on the left side of my nose. If I scuffed my left shoe on a wall, I would have to scuff my right shoe delibrately, again, to 'balance it out'. Sometimes I would even have to hurt myself, such as banging a knee for example, I would have to bang the other by compulsion.

I am not as bad as this as an adult when it comes to reflective symmetry by way of OCD, but I am very particular about things being symmetrical.

Anyway, just wanted to share these things.

I was curious, does anybody else relate to the 'wittering', or the compulsive imagery in the mind?